My queerness is mine
Words by Mary
Being queer to me has always been completely innate, but I’ve never felt totally comfortable with the label until recently. In the past I’ve identified as straight (who was I kidding tho), bisexual, gay, pansexual, back to gay again and now I find comfort in queerness. For me, queer encompasses falling in love with people who fall outside of the binary, standing up to assigned gender expectations and just basically telling societal norms to fuck off whilst you do your own thing. 👼🏻
Having said that, I’m as femme as it gets. False eyelashes? I got em. Acrylic nails? I got em (short, because, you know). Almost exclusively wearing summer dresses all year round? You get the gist. When I’ve been in heterosexual relationships with cis men in the past, all have questioned my queerness (although, at the time I’d label myself as bi). I got a lot of ‘but the only girlfriend you’ve had looked like a man’ (what is ‘looking like a man’???), ‘you only date men’ (because lots of girls, EVEN WHEN ON A DATE WITH THEM, will think I’m straight or just bi-curious because of how femme I am), ‘so we can have a threesome then?’... etc. One person even said to me that he’d be happy for me to sleep with other women whilst I was in a monogamous relationship with him. When I questioned why he’d be happy with me doing that with a girl but not with a guy, he said ‘because it’s hot’- as if my sexuality is a fetish for him to wank off into a flannel for him when he gets home. When I went back and said ‘you realise I could fall in love with her?’ he said ‘would you though?’. Needless to say none of these relationships ended well.
Not to be negative, but my wish for the future is for people to stop using queer, bi, pan (anything other than straight, basically) people as their experiments. In literally 2 weeks, I’ve had two straight girls kiss me after they have a glass of wine or too (I was also drinking said wine, I’m not a creep lol #consent) and tell me how much they like me, only for them to sober up and find the whole thing hilarious. One girl literally said to me ‘I’ve never been this turned on, I must be bi!!!’ for me to get a message the next day saying ‘omg 😩hahaha, we live we learn’... as if my sexuality is a fun drunken adventure? I’m all for being bicurious and for people to explore their sexualities- we’ve all done it and I think it’s a really important part of adolescence. What is not okay, is some people seeing nothing more to a person than an experiment when they’ve had a double vodka lemonade and a glass of rosé.
Experimentation is so important, especially when figuring out who we are. I remember feeling madly in love with my best friend when I was 13, and all I wanted to do was buy her sugar magazine and her favourite crisps and chocolate and watch High School Musical or Camp Rock (Vanessa Hudgens was my gay awakening, but anyway). Nothing amounted of my crushes on girls until I was 15, and I started dating a girl I’d crushed on for 4 years- truly the things of fairytales. I remember when we first kissed I was filled with such emotion I literally cried; I was like ‘oh, is this how I’m meant to feel when I kiss people?’. Needless to say, my Mum walked in and we both jumped to each end of my bed and stared into space like ‘hey Mary’s Mum lol’ 🤷🏻♀️ I’m sad to report I’ve not managed to bag myself a girlfriend since then, but have been on lots of dates with girls who eventually I stopped seeing- now we all just follow each other on Instagram and watch each other’s stories everyday like we’re all stuck in some weird queer purgatory.
After me and my girlfriend broke up, I mostly kissed boys. It felt okay, wouldn’t necessarily recommend. My Yelp review would say something like ‘they were all fine, but I think I’d prefer a girls soft hand on my thigh instead of an erect dick pushing against me’- or something of that nature. I tried not to read into why I didn’t really feel much kissing boys; it always just felt more like I was going through the motions of like... kiss, kiss, kiss, tongue, hand on leg, kiss etc. It’s always felt really robotic and always more of an obligation than an actual want, even if I did enjoy it. But when I kiss girls OH 👏🏻 MY 👏🏻 GOD 👏🏻- I’m literally so jealous this is how people have been feeling for years, and that I’ve been missing out on *enjoying* intimacy.
To conclude, in the words of King Princess:
Pussy is God.